Drawing Of A Person Running

Human leg, Elbow, Room, Flooring, Interior design, Exercise, Window covering, Knee, Physical fitness, Wrist,

I miss being a beginner. If you're doing the first 5k you've ever run, even if you run-walk your way around, stopping for a cigarette, it's still going to be your personal best. You cannot fail.

But when you're returning to running after a long break, I have learned, you must prepare for reality to leave you feeling winded. Possibly leaning on a park bench, pretending to stretch. Definitely ashamed.

I hate runners. I hate these high-achieving smug men – bankers probably – bouncing forth on their ham-like legs and the carefree light-as-a-feather girls with their bouncy go-faster ponytails. I hate them because - if i'm honest - I want to beat them.

Thing is, I'm not going to beat them. Not this year. If I'm going to carry on training for this marathon, something has to change. For now, sod the park. The gym beckons.

Bad move. Running on a treadmill is like swimming in the bath. Frustrating, far too hot and ultimately unsatisfying. What's worse is the depth of my ineptitude is relentlessly beamed at me in bright red digital stats. They read: "Wow. You're really sweating and you've only been running for 3 minutes 23 seconds."

I throw a towel over the screen so I can run happily. Ignorance is bliss. I feel better until, what feels like half an hour later, I absently mop my brow and glimpse the screen. I've covered 2 kilometers. I stop. I hate runners and I hate running too. I'm going home.

After sulking for a while, I talk it through with my girlfriend. She has the perspective of a brilliant runner in recovery from a serious injury. She also has more common sense.

We agree that if I carry on thinking I can do what I used to, I'm in for a very unhappy time leading up to the New York marathon. If I'm going to make it, I have to learn to let go of my PBs. I need to let people run past me in the park and not speed up to catch them. Running is tough enough without pressurising ourselves to outperform our best.

After all, I'm doing this to improve my mental wellbeing. I'm in it for the endorphins and the sense of freedom running brings. I can't achieve any of that by comparing myself to my better past self. I can't do that by wishing I could overtake those fit people in the park.

My personal best marathon time is 3.34. And every running app I've used is geared towards spiking my competitive spirit and pushing me to beat myself physically and mentally. I download the MyAsics training app for its straightforward plan of how much I should be running each day and which days I can have blessed rest. I have to let go of the ritual self-flagellation and celebrate that no matter how slow I am, I am doing my personal best right now. That sounds corny, I know, but it's true.

Next blog:Visiting The Running Lab

Previous blog: The Beginnings

By: John-Paul Nicholas

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